Mixed states

It's nice to think that some people just believe in human nature and live their lives trying to give good to the world, without asking anything in return. I think my happiest times in life have been when I've just lived in the moment. Until recently, I was doing this on a daily basis, but eventually one gets a bill or a benefit hassle that leads to stress. For me, stress leads to questioning myself and most aspects of my life and I start worrying about stuff and analysing things. Too much.
Yesterday, I was very much in a mixed state: a part of me wanted to make music and paint canvases at the same time, read books filled with knowledge (I constantly thirst knowledge) and generally share my thoughts and theories and feelings about everything and anything with the whole world. At the same time, however, I just felt like curling up in a ball, somewhere warm and hibernating. I ended up drinking tea, talking to Tanny (about dinasours wearing top hats etc) (which is always great) and climbing into a warm bed.
Today, i'm a little low, so have spent a few hours this morning having a nap. I feel guilty, but I musn't; I could push on regardless, and feel chronically depressed in a few days, or have short naps when I need them and feel slightly flat. I listen to my body as much as I can and thankfully Tanny (my partner) recognises this.
Psychiatrist tomorrow for 6 weekly check-in to discuss life...

Drawing dragons in the rain

The past few weeks i've been ill, ill and ill. Not mentally, but physically. So lazy days snuggled in bed, nice dinners and lots of love from Tanny and lots of time to watch Milly learning to crawl, stand up and explore the world some more.
My parents visited from Wales for the week which was brilliant. Again, lazy days with the odd country walk thrown in.
Today I missed most of 'Saturday live' today on radio 4, but there was a good discussion about S.A.D, and an interview with a woman who suffers depression in the summer and thrives in the winter months...listen to it here. Went to village market, caught up with a few people, talked music and sold some raffle tickets. Tonight watched Dragons draw with Wasps, in the rain.
Being working lots on new website... coming soon!
As will be some more music, when I drag myself out to the studio to mix some finished tracks, finish some music doodlings and record some new ideas.

knocks me off my feet

Spent the weekend in bed with fever, but watched the Rugby World cup matches in the evenings. Organic veg box arrived with goodness inside. Kidney pain has passed but body is wiped out.
Today spent on sofa, under blanket, listening to Stevie Wonder's 'Songs in the key of Life' and watching Milly discover her little world.
I find this time of year pretty depressing; the cold creeping in, the dark mornings and nights. I was hoping that this year I wouldn't take a turn for the worse, but feeling the way I have for the past week has knocked me for 6. Mentally, it's taken me a bit low. I know I'll bounce back, it's just hard when your body aches....
Tanny read me an amazing article about some idiot 'artist' called D*Face, getting all uppity, accusing some other 'artists' of stealing his graffiti idea. What? Yeah, exactly.
Drifting in and out of sleep to Radio 4, can hear 'Eels' 'Beautiful Freak' album wafting down from the kitchen with the scent of the risotto Tanny is cooking.... Yum!

some things come from nothing

Today, an empty head. It happens sometimes.
Most of the day spent in bed due to kidney pain and blood in the urine. Nice.
Most of the day spent asleep, actually, to block out everything else.
DLA Benefits stopped for no good reason. Housing benefit suspended for no good reason. Income support cut by £30 a week for some reason that only makes sense to some suit in the House of Commons.
Some week so far.
Had some good website ideas though...
Track of the day, possibly the month so far;
'Some things come from nothing' by SFA

Black holes and revelations

Black Holes. The last unknown. The edge of knowledge. The end of physics?
3 for 2 Culture; the destroyer of the publishing industry, both books and music. The great con to make the rich richer.
Kasabian, the new Kula Shaker (both golden boys of their era for Columbia).
Time. Passes.
Sometimes I need a morning in bed to clear the cobwebs from my head. Tanny understands. We both understand. At times I have to listen to my illness, and do nothing.
Tanny brings me PB and banana on toast and tea. I still thirst knowledge so she pipes it into my bed via Radio 4. Turns out Cerys Matthews suffers S.A.D. too. I need a little coaxing out of my cave during these times and Tanny does this well. I'm very lucky.
Amazing weekend of World Cup Rugby is over. Maybe this is the comedown ... roll on next weekend.
Off to meet our new dentist this afternoon, Dr. S. Butt. Seymour? No, the day couldn't get that much better, surely!!!

This could be your lucky day...

In Hell.
Eels. Magnificent music. If you listen to the 'Beautiful Freak' album, it explains everything. If you listen to 'Electro Shock Blues' it explains more than most people go through in life, but some of us have to deal with this shit.
I only ever seem to hear from people when they need something. People. F**king annoying, most of them. I quite like a life of relative solitude. I know where I stand.
The past few days have been relatively active but not that eventful. Spent an hour on the phone to Income Support today, to find out benefits cut again. Turns out, because my partner earns more than £20 a week, the difference is deducted from my benefits. She only works 7 hours. So in effect she does a job she hates for £2.85 an hour.... Hmmmm. Something wrong there.
Today I've worked on a new splash page for my new website, which isn't ready yet! Milly has been puking and pooing runny stuff! I'm tired. I'm cold. But I'm loved and that makes life all the more worthwhile.
Over and out.