Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Cops, Robbers and Blue Hair..

Last night, at 2 a.m., the shop we live above got broken into. Someone took out the shop-front window and stole 3 vacuum cleaners. Duh! Personally, I would have gone for the widescreen tv's 3 doors down, but maybe they already have one (everyone seems to these days) and have dirty carpets. We scrambled downstairs, caught no-one, called the old bill, then listened to alarms going on and off all night. The girls were awoken. Think we got to sleep at about 5 a.m.
Regardless, managed to have a productive morning at the studio, working on some new tracks that are getting me really fired up. Heading out again tomorrow to work some more. When I'm in the zone, it just comes out of my fingers, this music. I've read a lot about the links between creativity and bipolar disorder, and to be honest, it's the only nice 'side affect' of the condition. Well, and the highs, I suppose!
Today, Cypress Hill's 'Black Sunday', The Charlatans' 'Wonderland' and DJ Cam's 'Substances' have kept me awake. Talking of the Charlatans, their new album is available as a full free download over at Xfm website. Sounds very 'current 80's cool' to me, but what do I know.
Hilary Clinton wants to bomb Iran, and my Hair is blue again. Over and out.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Some Velvet Morning

Woke up this morning with 'Some Velvet Morning' by Lee Hazlewood & Nancy Sinatra going round and around in my head. After doing some hoovering and cleaning (which was very theraputic) I listened to it; genius. The arrangement, the time changes, the contrast between Lee and Nancy's vocals. If you've never heard it, you really should. Also this weekend, I rediscovered At the Drive In's 'Relationship of Command' album, and Bedlam Ago Go's 'Estate Style Entertainment'. It's part of a new thing I'm trying to do; picking cd's off the shelf alphabetically, one album per letter per day, and re-discovering some great old music.

I awoke today feeling fairly refreshed after the first night of unbroken sleep for a long time. Must've been those couple bottles of cider I had as a nightcap! I'm feeling pretty positive, with lots of creative ideas running through my head, but not at the speed of a runaway train....yet. A couple of visits to the studio this week should be productive, I hope. I've got lots of songs to finish (about 8) and some collaborations to collaborate on.

On a completely different note, I heard a programme on the radio about how air pollution is stopping the scent of flowers from travelling so far, and therefore preventing Bees from pollinating as many flowers. Apparently, once Bees die out, then the world will slowly die too...

That's about it for now. Here's a picture of me at St Fagans in Wales, contemplating something or other!
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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Fly away

A.M. Flying high in a friendly sky. Marvin Gaye. Went to the park this morning, after aking up feeling like i can't function. My brain is out of gear. My late night anxiety has turned to numbness. Stood in the childrens' play area staring at planes flying overhead every 3 minutes, from Gatwick to some destination. Had a brief daydream about geting on a plane and going somewhere, anywhere, just for the day to try and escape my own headspace. Arrive in a foreign city, rent a room, sleep, get up and come back. I couldn't deal with the chaos of even checking in, in reality, let alone having to deal with all those people including sitting in a tin with a couple hundered other people. Besides, I lost my passport and can't afford a new one.
I'm zoned out today, with no explaination. It's the nature of Bipolar disorder I guess. A feeling of loss. Emptiness. Numbness. Followed by feelings of guilt, desperation, frustration. I hope it passes soon, I hate feeling like this. It prevents me functioning on every level.

P.M. Went to sleep this afternoon, initially for 30 mins, but woke up 2 1/2 hours later. It usually clears my head. Can't remember what I dreamt. Feel a bit foggy but ultimately better than before I dozed off. Hopefully tonight I'll start to level out again. Thankfully, Tanny understands me and leaves me to sleep, makes sure I eat at the right times and generally loves me unconditionally.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Dinosaurs in Vegas...

Programme on Radio 4 this weekend claimed that the UK was like 'Jurassic Park' 65 million years ago, housing the most species of dinosaur in the universe.... hmmm, didn't see much evidence to support this at the Natural History museum in London last week. Saw some good bones, whales and brains there though...
Listening to Boards of Canada. Working on a track with XMZ in Russia, and another with Jose Luis in Mexico, through the tubes. Been twiddling with some of mine too. 3 new songs on the site, more to follow soon.
Been reading about Tesco suing people in Thailand for daring to speak out about the supermarket giant destroying the local economy. Read more here. Bookwise, currently reading 'Freakonomics' by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt, as well as 'Fear and loathing in Las Vegas' again and Brian Wilson's autobiog.
The beard is ever growing. The mo-hawk is still blue. We played in the snow 8 days ago, but now it's sunny and I think Spring is definitely here.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My mind is fairly blank

1 April 2008:
Spent the day in bed feeling worthless, lethargic, drained of all energy. My mind is fairly blank. I know where I am and who I am; I know I am loved, I know I have reasons to live; I know I have a purpose in life. All positive. But there is a negative cloud hanging over me today, and it just won't shift. So despite the rarity of 2 coffees first thing in the morning (I have about 5 cups a year) I spend the day in bed. Tanny runs a bath and I wash and dress, but I spend the day reading 'Electroboy'. Finish book. Great read, but brings a few home truths about manic depression. I already know i've got this illness forever and that it's going to be a battle and that I forever have to keep tabs on it. Thankfully I've got my soulmate Tanny to look after me on days like this, on all days. She's great. She says I achieved enough yesterday to allow me to do nothing today: I emailed everyone i've not spoken to for a while, I helped with some housework, I played with the girls, I went out for a walk to the garden centre, I worked on a re-mix for someone. She's right. She poured me a very large whisky, neat, at 10.30 pm , as she said my eyes were staring at her with a look of 'I'm never going to sleep tonight'.
Looking for something to occupy my brain now at 3.30 pm, despite lack of concentration. Milly is playing with an empty cardboard tube and is grumpy because she didn't have enough of a snooze this afternoon. I caught about 30 minutes. Rachel is in the kitchen with Tanny making biscuits. I'm staring blankly at this computer screen. The internet is boring, no emails or myspace messages. Looking for a new book to read but can't decide from the pile of 10 or so I've bought in the last few months in chartiy shops.
My psychiatrist says I don't 'rapid cycle', and that the constant shift in my mood, daily, from mild to severe hypermania, to moderate / deep depression, is just part of my personality, as i'm on a mood stabiliser that prevents extreme mania or suicidal depression. I'm not a textbook case, however; who is? I'm looking forward to moving in the summer to a new area, and getting a new doctor and potentially a better future with this illness.