Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My mind is fairly blank

1 April 2008:
Spent the day in bed feeling worthless, lethargic, drained of all energy. My mind is fairly blank. I know where I am and who I am; I know I am loved, I know I have reasons to live; I know I have a purpose in life. All positive. But there is a negative cloud hanging over me today, and it just won't shift. So despite the rarity of 2 coffees first thing in the morning (I have about 5 cups a year) I spend the day in bed. Tanny runs a bath and I wash and dress, but I spend the day reading 'Electroboy'. Finish book. Great read, but brings a few home truths about manic depression. I already know i've got this illness forever and that it's going to be a battle and that I forever have to keep tabs on it. Thankfully I've got my soulmate Tanny to look after me on days like this, on all days. She's great. She says I achieved enough yesterday to allow me to do nothing today: I emailed everyone i've not spoken to for a while, I helped with some housework, I played with the girls, I went out for a walk to the garden centre, I worked on a re-mix for someone. She's right. She poured me a very large whisky, neat, at 10.30 pm , as she said my eyes were staring at her with a look of 'I'm never going to sleep tonight'.
Looking for something to occupy my brain now at 3.30 pm, despite lack of concentration. Milly is playing with an empty cardboard tube and is grumpy because she didn't have enough of a snooze this afternoon. I caught about 30 minutes. Rachel is in the kitchen with Tanny making biscuits. I'm staring blankly at this computer screen. The internet is boring, no emails or myspace messages. Looking for a new book to read but can't decide from the pile of 10 or so I've bought in the last few months in chartiy shops.
My psychiatrist says I don't 'rapid cycle', and that the constant shift in my mood, daily, from mild to severe hypermania, to moderate / deep depression, is just part of my personality, as i'm on a mood stabiliser that prevents extreme mania or suicidal depression. I'm not a textbook case, however; who is? I'm looking forward to moving in the summer to a new area, and getting a new doctor and potentially a better future with this illness.


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