Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Fly away

A.M. Flying high in a friendly sky. Marvin Gaye. Went to the park this morning, after aking up feeling like i can't function. My brain is out of gear. My late night anxiety has turned to numbness. Stood in the childrens' play area staring at planes flying overhead every 3 minutes, from Gatwick to some destination. Had a brief daydream about geting on a plane and going somewhere, anywhere, just for the day to try and escape my own headspace. Arrive in a foreign city, rent a room, sleep, get up and come back. I couldn't deal with the chaos of even checking in, in reality, let alone having to deal with all those people including sitting in a tin with a couple hundered other people. Besides, I lost my passport and can't afford a new one.
I'm zoned out today, with no explaination. It's the nature of Bipolar disorder I guess. A feeling of loss. Emptiness. Numbness. Followed by feelings of guilt, desperation, frustration. I hope it passes soon, I hate feeling like this. It prevents me functioning on every level.

P.M. Went to sleep this afternoon, initially for 30 mins, but woke up 2 1/2 hours later. It usually clears my head. Can't remember what I dreamt. Feel a bit foggy but ultimately better than before I dozed off. Hopefully tonight I'll start to level out again. Thankfully, Tanny understands me and leaves me to sleep, makes sure I eat at the right times and generally loves me unconditionally.


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